MY GOODNESS. I’ve been wanting to write to you forever. And so here we are. Back to the ever fabulous, always changing Wellness Wednesday.
Let’s take a flashback to 2012/2013/2014 when I wasn’t the woman I am today. When I was trapped inside a shell of self doubt, control, grief and the constant need for perfectionism. Back to when I regretfully had no idea what a healthy relationship with my body or mind meant when it came to food. I lived and died by my next meal. Always thinking and contemplating what I’d have next. Planning ever so wisely so I could make sure to never surpass my caloric goals for the day. It’s sad, but a truth. My own truth and one that will forever be included in the story of my life.
My goodness though, what a sad and lonely life that was. Living like a glue stick to the nutrition labels on every package. Stuck every single day inside of my own head thinking and calculating numbers. Memorizing the food labels. Only ordering salads. Starving myself by the clock.
Do you know what else I realized though? That I was starving my needs for growth as a human being. I had forgotten my talents, my creativity and how to love myself. The entire time I thought I was controlling something like my eating, it was quite the opposite. My eating disorder had me by my throat and was in charge of the life I was living. It was pulling me in it’s wrath and squeezing me tight like a boa constrictor. Each day becoming more difficult to breathe and squirm free than the last.
But do you know where the first breath of fresh air came? Realizing that I couldn’t love anyone else if I couldn’t love myself. Inviting a true love into my life without any rules or restrictions. For me, it was both the love of a personal passion and the love in a relationship.
As soon as I realized I could blog and use it as an outlet to fuel my creativity was the moment I knew something could change in my life for the better. Sounds cheesy, but it’s true. During those same months, Tony came into my life and I knew if I was ever going to love this wonderful man, that I had to find myself first.
So I set myself on a search. The search to become a better person who lived the life she dreamed about.
I should note that it wasn’t like in blink of an eye everything was perfect. Life never works that way. I had to WORK HARD and work on myself every single day. I still do. Life is ever a work in progress. We’re becoming different people each day — we transition, we change, we grow. The darkness isn’t dark forever.
First, I noticed a shift in my thinking. My ability to see how special I was (we’re also special in our own ways). That I was talented and loved, regardless of shape, size or weight. The moment where I told myself that I would dive deep into my passions and dreams because without them pushing me forward, I would fall and never see the light again. I needed a place to reach for — lightness when I was in the dark.
And I had to do a lot of learning because my eating disorder had been in the driver’s seat for so long with all of it’s little unspoken rules. How I could only eat at certain times so that if it wasn’t noon, I couldn’t have my lunch. Or how I could only have egg whites. How I had to measure my peanut butter. How I could only have snacks that were 150 calories or less.
If you have ever experienced disordered eating, you know the ‘unspoken rules’ become the rules you live by. The rules you never say out loud but only repeat over and over in your mind.
I had to learn how to eat egg yolks again. How to not measure out my peanut butter out. How to eat red meat. To eat french fries. How to enjoy a cinnamon roll. To not just eat oatmeal for breakfast every single morning. To enjoy donuts. To eat when I was actually hungry. To find balance between a healthy breakfast and always leaving room for dessert.
I had to kick my unspoken rules’ ass and toss it in the trash. I needed to live life without rules or restrictions, because I was ready to build the women I wanted to become. The woman that I am transforming into now. The woman who is wild and free and makes banana bread weekly. The woman who laughs endlessly over wine with her fiance. The woman who trains hard at the gym and eats to nourish and replenish after. The woman who is never afraid to speak up and be who she is. The woman who isn’t using social media to hide but rather uplift others and tell a story.
So today I’m here. Writing this without even thinking much about it. Just writing from the heart and I can’t even explain how beautiful it feels.
And now I want to say to you, if you have any of these unspoken rules, it might be time to make a change and even… break the rules. Or instead, create new rules like challenging yourself to put yourself in new situations. It’s not going to be easy, but challenge creates change.
Thanks for being here. I love you guys. xo.