MY GOODNESS. I’ve been wanting to write to you forever. And so here we are. Back to the ever fabulous, always changing Wellness Wednesday.
Let’s take a flashback to 2012/2013/2014 when I wasn’t the woman I am today. When I was trapped inside a shell of self doubt, control, grief and the constant need for perfectionism. Back to when I regretfully had no idea what a healthy relationship with my body or mind meant when it came to food. I lived and died by my next meal. Always thinking and contemplating what I’d have next. Planning ever so wisely so I could make sure to never surpass my caloric goals for the day. It’s sad, but a truth. My own truth and one that will forever be included in the story of my life.
My goodness though, what a sad and lonely life that was. Living like a glue stick to the nutrition labels on every package. Stuck every single day inside of my own head thinking and calculating numbers. Memorizing the food labels. Only ordering salads. Starving myself by the clock.
Do you know what else I realized though? That I was starving my needs for growth as a human being. I had forgotten my talents, my creativity and how to love myself. The entire time I thought I was controlling something like my eating, it was quite the opposite. My eating disorder had me by my throat and was in charge of the life I was living. It was pulling me in it’s wrath and squeezing me tight like a boa constrictor. Each day becoming more difficult to breathe and squirm free than the last.
But do you know where the first breath of fresh air came? Realizing that I couldn’t love anyone else if I couldn’t love myself. Inviting a true love into my life without any rules or restrictions. For me, it was both the love of a personal passion and the love in a relationship.
As soon as I realized I could blog and use it as an outlet to fuel my creativity was the moment I knew something could change in my life for the better. Sounds cheesy, but it’s true. During those same months, Tony came into my life and I knew if I was ever going to love this wonderful man, that I had to find myself first.
So I set myself on a search. The search to become a better person who lived the life she dreamed about.
I should note that it wasn’t like in blink of an eye everything was perfect. Life never works that way. I had to WORK HARD and work on myself every single day. I still do. Life is ever a work in progress. We’re becoming different people each day — we transition, we change, we grow. The darkness isn’t dark forever.
First, I noticed a shift in my thinking. My ability to see how special I was (we’re also special in our own ways). That I was talented and loved, regardless of shape, size or weight. The moment where I told myself that I would dive deep into my passions and dreams because without them pushing me forward, I would fall and never see the light again. I needed a place to reach for — lightness when I was in the dark.
And I had to do a lot of learning because my eating disorder had been in the driver’s seat for so long with all of it’s little unspoken rules. How I could only eat at certain times so that if it wasn’t noon, I couldn’t have my lunch. Or how I could only have egg whites. How I had to measure my peanut butter. How I could only have snacks that were 150 calories or less.
If you have ever experienced disordered eating, you know the ‘unspoken rules’ become the rules you live by. The rules you never say out loud but only repeat over and over in your mind.
I had to learn how to eat egg yolks again. How to not measure out my peanut butter out. How to eat red meat. To eat french fries. How to enjoy a cinnamon roll. To not just eat oatmeal for breakfast every single morning. To enjoy donuts. To eat when I was actually hungry. To find balance between a healthy breakfast and always leaving room for dessert.
I had to kick my unspoken rules’ ass and toss it in the trash. I needed to live life without rules or restrictions, because I was ready to build the women I wanted to become. The woman that I am transforming into now. The woman who is wild and free and makes banana bread weekly. The woman who laughs endlessly over wine with her fiance. The woman who trains hard at the gym and eats to nourish and replenish after. The woman who is never afraid to speak up and be who she is. The woman who isn’t using social media to hide but rather uplift others and tell a story.
So today I’m here. Writing this without even thinking much about it. Just writing from the heart and I can’t even explain how beautiful it feels.
And now I want to say to you, if you have any of these unspoken rules, it might be time to make a change and even… break the rules. Or instead, create new rules like challenging yourself to put yourself in new situations. It’s not going to be easy, but challenge creates change.
Thanks for being here. I love you guys. xo.
Love this read! I have been following you since the beginning of your blogging! I have tried numerous recipes which were all amazing. You have inspired me to be a better version of myself!! Thank you for sharing your story. Peace ~ Sara
Thank you so much, Sara! I’m so glad you’re finding some delicious recipes + inspiration 🙂
I’m somewhere in between trying to find my balance and it really helps reading your story and seeing that I can relate to it somewhat. I have not gotten to the point of an eating disorder, but have been trying to quit obsessing over counting calories, restriction of certain foods, and the need to workout every single day. This has motivated me to practice my balanced lifestyle a little bit more and allowing my self to some unhealthy treats every once in a while. Thanks so much for sharing your journey!
Hi Christina! Thanks so much for reading along and for your note. I’m glad you can find inspiration in here – it’s definitely a journey, and I’ll be thinking of you on yours!
Beautifully written! And I love this: “I needed to live life without rules or restrictions, because I was ready to build the women I wanted to become.”
Thank you, Megan! Yes – such an important part of my journey (and I’ve found lots of women can relate!)
This post is absolutely beautiful Monique! Bless you and your fabulous, inspiring, passionate, welcoming blog. I am subscribing ASAP:)
Thank you so much, Callie! Welcome to AK 🙂
Monique,
You are so brave and beautiful and I’m so thankful you’ve shared this! Not only can I relate to many of your words, but I can FEEL them. I remember so many of those situations and the stomach-aching, heart-racing anxiety that choked me up.
I’m happy that you and I can both smile and learn from those, growing each day more and more. Keep inspiring us all!! Muah!
Thanks so much for your note, Haley! Each day is a learning + growing experience 🙂 Xo!
What a wonderfully written post, brings warmth to the soul and encouragement to not let a label with numbers and ingredients rule our worlds. It’s so encouraging to read this and know the ‘unspoken rules’ isn’t just an idea in my head, but that others have worked through having to follow those rules 24/7, and that it’s okay to break the rules, love ourselves for who we are, enjoy the delicious food, and eat that extra spoon full of almond butter.
Hi Shelby – thanks so much for your note! You’re so right that we’re not alone (it’s not just an idea in your head!) Go for that extra spoonful of almond butter – my favorite 🙂
Monique, you are so beautiful inside and out! I love the honesty of your posts. I definitely understand the “unspoken rules” – I’ve also struggled with accepting my body, not forcing myself to workout for hours a day, etc. It’s hard to maintain the balance, but I’m working, and posts like this remind me to keep going. Thank you!!
Thank you so much, Angela! Know that you’re not alone – one day at a time 🙂
You are always so honest – thank you for sharing your story. Whenever I am away from being creative I feel a restless energy to get back to that place. I recently embarked on a new project, and am loving it. Sometimes it is scary to step out into the unknown, and to put yourself out there for fear being judged. The best advice I ever got was to treat yourself as you would treat your best friend.
Such great advice. Thank you Gillian and good luck on your project!
Oh my gosh, you’re such a rockstar! This resonated with me so so SO MUCH. I definitely feel like once I let go of all the silly rules, and honestly, sometimes I still find myself noticing some remnants that I then have to consciously eradicate, I started LIVING. I became sort of the best version of myself, the more fearless, in tune with herself, confident version of me that I never could be when my entire world was healthy food and a strict gym routine. I just wish everyone could know how liberating and incredible it feels to no longer be a slave to those rules. Thank you for sharing this <3
Thanks so much for your note, Nicole! So true about finally living, and so glad you’re living your best self 🙂
I’m trying and I needed to hear this! Thank you <3
Thinking of you on your wellness journey!
Thank you for sharing some of the downfalls in life that some of us face. I appreciate your honesty and not just sharing only good things but also the real and tough to talk about issues. Thank you!
Robyn – thanks so much for reading along. I hope you find some inspiration in here, and your support means the world!
As a man recently diagnosed with anorexia, I find this very insightful and inspirational. I have struggled too long with perfectionism as well which led to anxiety, depression and the eating disorder. Thank you for this post to remind me I am not alone and there is a light at the end of a very long and slow recovery.
Hi Steven – I can’t emphasize enough that you are not alone. Recovery is one day at a time, and I’ll be thinking of you on your wellness journey!
These are my favorite posts! Thank you for your honesty and inspiration. Also I love how you found love and STILL choose to find yourself. Love from others is a wonderful catalyst, but our most connected relationships occur when we know how to love ourselves. Keep rocking it girl!
Thanks so much, Kim! Very true about finding love for ourselves first. I’m so glad you enjoy these posts!
Monique, this is SO powerful. While I can’t say I’ve personally battled an eating disorder, I do understand these “unspoken rules” and have made them for myself at times. I’ve tried the calorie-counting apps and eating unsatisfying foods because they’re supposed to be “healthy” and tracking every minute of exercise I do, but luckily have found a way to stop myself before things spiraled out of control. Thank you for being so open and real with your journey, but also focusing on the positive things that have come out of it!
I’ve found that “unspoken rules” like this affect so many people – diagnosed eating disorder or not – so it’s incredibly important to speak on them! You’re definitely not alone in those habits. Thanks so much for reading along 🙂
This post is beautiful and heartfelt and triggered all the feels. I just started my own blog yearning to find what you found by cultivating yours. Thank you for sharing all your emotions and being so relateable.
Thanks so much for your note, Nicole! Writing with honesty and from the heart is always the way to go. Thank you for reading!
Having to teach yourself to eat certain foods, to let go of measuring to be fee of it all is a battle worth fighting. Now we fight to help others see that happy and healthy does exist and how to find it by sharing sharing sharing sharing. I appreciate you sharing your story!
Sharing is so important! Happy and healthy is out there – one step at a time. Thanks for your note Kelli 🙂
I can’t tell you how much I related to this post. I, too, look back on the two-three years I spent living by unspoken rules, living a half-life that was dominated by my unhealthy relationship with food.
When I was with friends and family, I was only half-there, tallying up how much I could eat or drink while with them without going over my already-insanely-low set limit for the day, concerned about the number on the scale the next morning. (Every. Single. Day. AND KEPT IT ALL ON A NOTES APP ON MY PHONE.) I went from being. I’m so sad for that girl, but so proud of the woman I’ve grown into, grateful for every bump and roadblock along the way.
Thank you for continuing to be so honest and open with your journey, because that’s what this will always be for us, a journey.
Xxo
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Tierney! You are not alone, and you’re totally right about the journey. I’m so glad that you’ve grown into a woman that can be freed from these unspoken rules, too!
I’ve been there, too. It’s so good to be in a place now where I can love food and exercise and my body. I’m happy for you. 🙂
Happy for you, too, Wendy! It’s a journey, but such a great place to be in.
You’re so inspiring Monique! Love your wise words and your blog!! 🙂
Thanks so much, Adrienne!
I can relate 100% and feel I’m at a very similar point in my life as well… in all aspects. Meeting my Tony (we’re getting married in December!) started my journey to truly loving myself and rebuilding a positive relationship with food, health, fitness, etc. LIFE IS GOOD and it feels GOOD to be here! This is true happiness and I’m so happy you’ve found it as well <3
So great to hear that, Amy! Cheers to finding happiness 🙂 <3
Right on! I think there are times where food can overrun my life and I definitely start to obsess with what I’m eating. Exercise has been a great way to balance everything for me. If I’m working out on a consistent basis, then I don’t mentally beat myself up about having a treat. Thanks for sharing!
Exercise is such a great release! Thanks for reading 🙂
I know the world of disordered eating far too well. Living under unspoken, self-imposed food rules that feel as if they run your life. Coming out on the other side of that is so freeing. Thank you for using your blog as a platform for sharing that!
Incredibly freeing! Thank you for reading along 🙂
Thank you for sharing your story!! I can feel your warmth, your honesty and your fun personality through your honest words!! Thank you for being so transparent!! I also love your recipes!! I’ve made soo many and a lot of them have become staples in our home! I really enjoy your stories attached to them and how you comment on how to make it gluten free or Paleo. I’ve turned many of my friends on to you as well!! Keep up the great work, and I’m glad you’re doing what you love!! It shows!
Hi Kerry! I’m so glad you’ve found some staple recipes for your home (and that you’ve been enjoying my stories 🙂 ). Thanks so much for your support in following along – it means the world!
You are so talented and so beautiful, I’ve been following you for years and I’m so happy see your journey.
Thanks so much Jen!
So beautifully said! Thank you for being so open and honest and relatable. You are truly an inspiration, anyone going through a struggle like you have, including myself, know its not easy to overcome, but there is so much more to the other side, once you let go. And you are the only one to have the power to change it. And that in itself, is rewarding, when you can look back and see the positive changes from within. Nothing good comes from restricting yourself. You aren’t happy, your fatigued, your just don’t look “healthy”. And when you can accept food, and look at it in the form of nourishment, good things are bound to happen. Well, when you eat the right kinds 🙂 Why I love your Blog so much, and cooking. Its such a healing process, to cook from scratch, and enjoy a meal, that you know exactly what goes in it. Which thanks to the world of Internet these days, and your Website, always help, to make food, fun and exciting again!!
So very true! Love what you said about finding the power from within :). Thanks for following along Nicole!
Thank you for your rawness and your willingness to be vulnerable! You’re an inspiration to women who struggle with disordered eating; thank you!
Of course! Thank you for reading along Debbie 🙂
These are wonderful, beautifully written words that I really enjoyed reading and relating to. A lot of us are on this journey. You are a very inspiring lady. Thanks for putting your thoughts and life into words!
Thanks so much Lauren!
I so appreciate you sharing your wellness journey – THANK YOU. And keep up the awesome work and inspiration.
Thanks so much for reading along, Liz! It means the world 🙂