Call this Wellness Wednesday a throwback one. To the deep dark days of my life where food was everything and nothing. Over the past few years, I’ve talked a lot on the blog about how my eating disorder affected myself, relationships and choices. It’s not an easy thing to share, however now that I know that many of you have struggled with disordered eating, I feel more confident to share my experience.
Even if you haven’t battled an eating disorder, this might be worth the read, simply for a little insight as to how devastating it can be.
So here’s how the story of my eating disorder began:
With exercise. Yes, it all started with me joining the gym. At the time, my decision to start exercising was an easy one. I had felt just a tiny bit overweight (maybe 10-15 pounds) for most of my teenage years. After the death of my father and two years in college, I gained a few more pounds. Before I knew it, I was uncomfortable in my own skin, itching for a change in my confidence and appearance. What I desired is what most girls desire at that age: to look good in a swimsuit, to be able to wear anything she wants, to be confident and attractive.
Seems pretty lame now.
When I signed up for my gym membership back in 2009, I remember stepping on the scale. It read 149 pounds. Whoa, I remember thinking. I did gain some weight. No biggie, I’ll just eat less and exercise!
And I did just that.
In about a month, ten pounds came off rather quickly by doing a mixture of eating less and choosing to exercise a few days a week. I enjoyed the fact that my jeans were baggy and overall I had more energy. People seemed to notice my thinner face and I didn’t mind receiving compliments on my slimmer appearance. My confidence was improving too.
Where the problem started
I didn’t want to stop. In fact, I never wanted the feeling of losing weight to stop. To me it felt wonderful to achieve something you worked physically hard for; I took weight loss as a challenge, and as a well-known perfectionist/overachiever, I knew how to be successful. Very successful. Maybe a little too successful.
Throughout my junior year, I slowly dropped 10 more pounds. My so-called goal weight — whoo hoo! I looked healthy and strong and boy was I intensely proud of the body I worked for. For a while, it felt incredible. That was until I started picking on myself and how I looked. My thighs weren’t toned enough. My stomach wasn’t flat enough. Nothing seemed good enough. I still saw my former self.
Obviously, this was body dysmorphia. I was so used to looking at myself at a certain weight and couldn’t accept how I truly looked now. If I could go back, I would tell myself that I was beautiful and perfect in every way. Because when I started picking myself apart is when I lost the balance in both eating and exercise.
The summer going into my senior year of college was when the real obsessiveness with food and exercise began. I subscribed to every health and fitness magazine. I counted every single calorie that was put into my body and kept a notebook of what I ate. I stopped going out as often. I no longer baked because I didn’t want to have to eat what I made (something I loved since I was a child.) I scheduled everything around my workouts (seriously, EVERYTHING). Then I began doubling up on my workouts. I stopped drinking because of the calories or I skipped meals so I could drink.
Basically, I ran my body into the ground until I was literally starving myself.
The summer before my senior year I lost 10 more pounds. My mom begged me to stop losing weight. I pretended like I didn’t know what she was talking about as I scarfed down my egg whites and green beans out of a prepacked tupperware. I got upset with her for even bringing my weight up or telling me how I should be living my life. Looking back I can see that all she was doing was trying to help. It’s a terrible feeling.
My weight continued to plummet as my senior year went on. I was wearing a size 00 and couldn’t find any jeans that fit me. I hadn’t gotten my period in more than a year.
The Uh Oh Moment
Suddenly it all came crashing down on me. My father’s death, the need to control my food, my desire for perfection. I was incredibly afraid and I couldn’t pinpoint why. I’d call my mom multiple times a day crying because I couldn’t figure out what was wrong. I had multiple internships, was involved in school activities, an excellent student, I loved my friends and I had a boyfriend. Everything sounds perfect, but on the inside I knew it wasn’t. I was struggling with my emotional health (and physical).
Eventually my heart slowed to 32 beats per minute. My doctors said that I had developed brachycardia, a heart rate of under 60 beats per minute. Mine was so extremely slow, that my doctor feared I would pass out. I ended up in the hospital overnight.
After that, I knew that my life and everything in it needed a makeover. I needed to get better and I would do whatever it took to achieve that.
So, I started my blog! I cooked food that I never would have had I been still in the deep illness of my eating disorder. I celebrated with friends. I gave myself life again through experiences and travel. I said yes to more things. I gained the weight back plus more (we’ll talk about that another time).
Throughout this period of time, I felt myself slip in and out of depression. I felt as though my identity had been with my eating disorder and I no longer knew who I was. Eventually, I saw a psychologist who helped me work through my issues related to food and disordered eating. It took a long time for me to heal my relationship with food. As in, about five years. I still have days when I’m stressed where eating disorder patterns come out but I can recognize them and immediately throw away those thoughts.
I’m writing this to you today to let you know that you are not alone in this struggle (if this is something you are battling). My best advice is to seek professional help because everybody’s disorder is different. There’s no shame in seeking help — I 100% believe it’s one of the most beneficial things I’ve ever done for myself. Understanding the WHY behind your eating disorder or disordered eating is a critical step to recovery.
Thanks so much for reading this post and being here with me. Your support has been one in a million. As always, I’d love to hear from you so feel free to leave a comment below!
I can so relate to you, though today, I am 68 years old. I love to cook, which is how I found you. I noticed your recipes. Thank you for your bravery in sharing your struggle and journey back to you.
I have been anorexic since 1974. Yeah. I manage ok, though I live alone and will say I struggle daily in eating the right foods. I will eat sweets, junk, etc, rather than good food. I struggle and I have had several treatments in years prior. I know what to do and even how to do it.
I’m at willingness again, I guess. I don’t like what the E.D. takes from me daily-on every level of my life that matters. Your blog really hit home this evening. I miss relaxing around a meal and then forgetting about it!!
Thank you for your bravery. Thank you for fighting your way back to you!! You doing that, has really spurred me to start finding my way back to me.
Jan💗
You’re not alone, I am so glad you’re here. we are in this together ❤️
i’ve been reading your newsletter and cooking your recipes for a few years now and just started combing through your blog. what an incredible story to share. thank you for contributing to my healthy eating! all the best, caroline
Aw thanks so much, Caroline. Glad you enjoyed this post + so happy you’re here ❤️
It’s so encouraging to here a story I can relate to. I’m glad you found peace within yourself and even more grateful that you have the desire to share your story!
I’m so glad you found encouragement here – that’s my hope with sharing my story! I hope you’re able to find the same peace 🙂
Thank you for sharing this post. It felt all too similar to my own story (hello, losing weight junior/senior year, over-exercising, parents begging me to stop)… In fact, it was around when I started my own blog that I started to get out of it. Your post is giving me confidence to share my own story, which I have not done with anyone
So basically, I just wanted to let you know that you’re brave and it’s so wonderful to see how far you, and all of us who’ve struggled, have come!! Keep it up!! 🙂 🙂 I love your blog and your inspiration you bring through it.
Thanks so much for sharing this post. Like many of the other commenters, I recognised elements of my own issues with eating in your story. It’s reassuring to know that even after ‘recovery’, food can still be a battle; but it’s also equally reassuring to see how far you’ve come, reminding me that things do get better!
x
Monique,
You are so brave. I have struggled with anorexia and bulimia since I was 14, and still am working through the bad thoughts. You’re courage to share your story is so inspiring. Thank you!
Monique, thank you for sharing this story.I felt like reading my own journey trough dark side of life. Luckilly, today I also enjoy life, food and movement in a good way:) All the best for you!Keep going:) os.Love your recipies
This is such a brave thing of you to post and so incredibly inspiring to many young women out here. Thank you for sharing your story so openly and candidly!
I read this post fully about the comparison of latest and earlier technologies,
it’s awesome article.
Hi Monique,i’m from Italy and i follow your blog on Bloglovin. My eating disorder started with a diet: I lost 25 kg in 6 months and I got to run more than 10 km per day. I am 41 years old and I know I can not resist forever this way.At the moment I can not see the light at the end of the tunnel,but i’m working.
It’s really very difficult to stop thinking about every single calorie I ingest and basically I spend my days thinking only of food: this is no longer life! Thank you so much for sharing your experience, I hope that I find the strength to fight this battle and to smile again!
thank you for sharing.
Thank you for sharing this Monique! I am in recovery from anorexia and we have similar stories. I am currently in the weight gain process yet again. However, I finally have embraced recovery and chosen it for myself. I am ready for freedom and a healthy happy life. Stories like yours give me so much hope!
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Monique. I am 4 1/2 years removed from being completely immersed in my eating disorder and I feel like it has taken that long to find out who I am now that I am not defined by those behaviors. In honor of the Jewish new year, I posted on my Facebook page that I want to become more comfortable sharing my story. You never know who you may help by doing so as you have done so here. <3
Monique, I applaud you for posting such a heartfelt and personal story. This is so inspiring! I’ve also dealt with disordered eating/fitness habits and body image in high school and while I still have those bouts sometimes, I am in such a better place than I was before!
A very powerful post, thank you for sharing. I, unfortunately, share a similar story. Luckily, I too was able to work through it and recover. Your pictures really help explain the story. I’m just so glad you were willing to share because I think it will help so many women struggling with the same issues. I’m finally at a healthy weight and mindset (took nearly 20 years to get here!), though I sometimes still see my “fat self” and have to correct my morphed image.
There are all kinds of eating disorders that we, especially women deal with. As someone who was overweight my whole life, your story is very different than mine. I was over 200 lbs and 5’2″! I walked into Weight Watchers January 2004, lost 65 lbs over a 5 year period of time. I needed 5 years to change my head, to start eating healthy and exercising regularly. Now at 61 I look better and feel better than ever. I still have days where I overeat and feel very uncomfortable, but it goes no further than that day. It is so important, no matter what your eating issue is, that you do not feel alone. The support of others is tremendously important. Keep blogging and trying to reach as many people as you can. Thank you.
Monique you are incredible for sharing your story! It’s sad how many of us go through this same thing. I’ve been thinking a lot about my struggles lately too. It’s not like anyone called me fat when I was little and I never was truly overweight. I just conjured up this own vision in my head of what I was supposed to look. I had those same comments from family and friends and I just shrugged it off because I still saw myself as being overweight. But looking back I may have been skinnier, but I surely wasn’t healthy. I had a physical done at our workplace wellness day and same thing happened with my heart rate. I was really low but they just said “oh you’re just in really good shape.” And then my blood sugar was 70… yet I thought “well I feel fine…” It’s scary looking back and not realizing there were so many signs!
Anyways, thanks again for sharing your story. I think we’ll all be better off realizing we’re not alone in our struggles and talking about it openly will allow us to heal 🙂 <3 Much love to you!!
Thank you so much for sharing. I have a similar experience in a lot of ways – I adored baking and cooking, but gave it up because I didn’t want to eat. I craved the compliments I got about losing weight. To the outside observer, I was doing well – excellent grades, a full schedule, etc. But wow was I struggling. Recovering is one of the hardest and best things in life – especially when I can appreciate exercise for the goodness it brings me, instead of using it (and eating) as a tool to reach a perfectionist, senseless, unhealthy goal.
Do you find power in sharing your story? I do. You and I, and many people like us, are a rare breed. EDs have a horrendously low recovery rate, and the fact that we beat it is incredible. No matter what career accomplishments we achieve, awards won…one fact remains: we both kicked the shit out of our eating disorders. That’s AMAZING! Every day, it’s amazing. Every day, I still have some dark thoughts, but like you – I can pull myself out of it quickly. The people closest to me know my patterns and what to look for if they have suspicions. They help keep me healthy, but I did the TOUGH work of treatment and endless therapy. Congrats on pulling through, and finding empowerment in sharing your story. I think more people should. Loads of people suffer in silence. They’re not alone, and this monster can be beaten. xo
Long-time reader and first time commenter. Just want to commend you for your honesty and give you a virtual high five for all the hard work you’ve done to arrive at this point. I’ve struggled with my weight most of my life, yo-yo-ing back and forth between periods of rapid weight loss and gain, though now that I’m a mom and nearing my forties (yikes!) I feel more comfortable in my own skin. Sure, I should definitely exercise more and eat better, but I don’t beat myself up as much as I used to. Moreover, I lost a dear friend last year who struggled with bulimia for as long as I can remember. She was such a wonderful person, and tried so incredibly hard to fight through with therapy and even a rehab center. In the end though, it was all just too much for her and her body. The kind of dialogue you have here is more beneficial and healing that you’ll ever know. Bravo for keeping it open.
Wow, Monique! I know myself like a lot of other women who read your blog are or have suffered through the same thing. I’m so proud of you for sharing that and it has seriously helped me accept my body from what I used to think about it, constantly looking at my stomach and starving myself.
This is a great post and I applaud your vulnerability in sharing. That being said, I wonder if you should edit the post to take out specific references to weight. What you saw as a surprisingly high number on the scale might be someone else’s healthy weight. And even though the amount of weight you lost at first was healthy for you, it might not be for someone else. I think the story is just as powerful without the specifics, and less potentially triggering. Thanks for reading this! 🙂
Well done for getting yourself back on track!!! I myself suffered with a very similar eating disorder/situation while in university, and I know where you’re coming from. I too have recovered with only occasional thoughts still haunting me, but like you, I’ve learned to deal with them. Thanks for posting this – when one recovers from an eating disorder, I think one needs all the moral support one can get 🙂
Thank you so much for sharing and trusting in us (your blog readers).
Interesting, I think the days of me getting into some Speedo’s are probably over at 210 Lbs. When I ran out of money renovating in France, I went very thin over maybe a few month sand my ribs were protruding and I did get into a state of not eating much at all despite collecting free food from a food bank in the next village. The problem also was that hard work on a huge property was taking its toll physically. I think you look great now Monique and I am glad of you doing Ambitious Kitchen, it’s a real treat 🙂 Nowadays I see food and eat it so at 210 Lbs … 😉 God Bless !
Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate and I am so glad you are in a happy place and able to help others. xo
Thank you for sharing… you’re inspirational! Keep up the cooking and the thriving ❤️
Such a brave and beautiful message! It is so amazing to hear where you started from and to see where your blog has taken you now today–an inspiration for others! Thank you for sharing Monica!
I love you. You are such an inspiration for so many people and I’m grateful to call you my friend!!
Thanks so much for sharing. It takes a lot, but your words are so powerful! I can certainly relate and it’s not something I’ve really ever talked about, except with my therapist. So it’s really nice to have others speak out. I’m a big fan of your blog and recipes!
I’m sure I’m not the only one to say this, but I feel like the timeline of my story in and out of disordered eating is incredibly similar – down to my mom promising to loose 5 lbs if I promised to gain 5. Through a lot of counseling and professional help, along with realizing there are so many girls out there like me (including you) through the blogging world, I have been able to take leaps and bounds in my recovery. Thank you for sharing! This is the only way we can spread awareness of just how many women (and men) are affected by disordered eating.
Writing about this can help so many, so what a wonderful thing you did! It will be out there today, tomorrow and hopefully years from now for people struggling.
As well as many others, I had a very similar experience. Took losing the weight too far. I am much better today but for me it’s something that I can’t ever fully escape. But it’s also a dark place I’d never want to return to.
I love your blog and wish you continued success and happiness in the future!
Thank you so much for sharing! My daughter is battling an eating disorder, and it gives me so much hope to hear about your recovery. Blessings to you!
Thanks so much for sharing. I too developed an eating disorder in college and unfortunately I didn’t seek treatment for a very long time. I still struggle with the all or nothing thinking but handle it a lot better. It’s helpful to hear how someone else has come to terms with their disorder and been able to recover and live a “normal” life where food and exercise don’t dictate your every day. You are really an inspiration.
Our stories sound so similar, Monique. Thank you for your honesty. I am so glad you have found a balance that you enjoy- I am still working towards that each day. I love your blog and have yet to find a recipe that wasn’t delicious. I also live in Chicago (yay!) and am thinking about participating in the National Eating Disorder Association (NEDA) walk on October 22nd downtown, if you’d like to join 🙂 Thanks again for your post!
This was incredibly brave and brought tears to my eyes because I recognized myself so completely in it. You have a beautiful heart and soul and I’m so happy that you’ve been able to change your focus to what really matters in life 🙂 It was a similarly long journey for me that I’m still working on.
Thanks for sharing your story! So powerful!
I can’t believe how much I find myself in your story. Thank you for your courage and your unbelievable support!
You are brave. You are strong. You are so authentic. Thank you Monique. God’s blessings on your journey and your happy life with Tony. 🙂
First off, let me say that I am so inspired by your bravery, honesty, and vulnerability for sharing your story. It can be very tough to share something so personal, especially when you don’t know how others may react to it. While reading your post, I could relate because I remember feeling very similar to you when I was deeply entrenched in my disordered habits.
However, now I’m in recovery (about 2 years now) and working harder each and every day to fully enjoy life while kicking ED’s butt!
I’ve been waiting for this post for awhile, thank you for sharing this with us and letting us know you a little better. I’m so happy that you reached a happy place with food and that you got the help that you need. I think everyone struggles in one way or another with food, you have to care somewhat to stay on track but that can veer ugly in either direction quickly. I’ve never had an eating disorder, but have had OCD my whole life which can affect other parts of my life by trying so hard to be a perfectionist. Thanks again for sharing your story and keep the amazing recipes coming. (My top three faves by the way are the brown butter chocolate chip sea salt cookies, quinoa and black bean stuffed red peppers, and blueberry dark chocolate healthy breakfast cookies) You rock!
You are incredible. Your story is beautiful and I am so happy you are feeling and looking amazing. Sending you a big hug! Xoo
What a beautiful post. I’ve struggled with disordered eating for 5 years now (although I have technically been “recovered” for 4), and sometimes the thoughts are still too much to handle. I am taking your advice and will start seeing someone soon to help me with body negativity and food guilt! Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing your struggles with us.
Wow. I’ve had a very similar experience and I know how incredibly difficult it can be to talk about (I’m 23, and I barely have thus far in my life). Thanks so much for sharing – giving people the opportunity to relate to these experiences is so important. You are very brave! And by the way, I looove your site 🙂
Monique,
Thank you for sharing your story! You message is inspiring, real and important to share with others. Your post compelled me to reach out to you via email as I would love for you and other women to attend an upcoming workshop I am facilitating in Chicago. More details can be found below and at http://www.behealthywithin.com/embody-love-movement.html.
As women, we are bombarded with internal and external messaging that impacts the ways we view ourselves. Some of this messaging can begin to create barriers to positive self-image and self-acceptance. Mindful Path is offering a unique evening of support, self-exploration, and inquiry in order to promote togetherness, self-compassion, and healing.
This powerful workshop, which is based on the EmbodyLove Movement http://embodylovemovement.org/about/our-inspiration/, will be held on Wednesday, October 19th from 6pm to 8pm in Suite 438 in the Monadnock Building at 53 W. Jackson Blvd, Chicago. Participants of this workshop often experience a more compassionate view of themselves and a deeper awareness of and acceptance of their bodies.
Thank you so much for sharing your story. I have come to your site for many yummy recipes, but never knew this side of you. I love knowing more about the blogger behind the recipes, so thank you for being brave and open with your readers. I hope this reaches those who may be battling what you went through!
Thank you for sharing your story girl! I’m so happy you reached a healthy, happy place!
Incredible post, Monique. I’ve been around the blog for awhile and knew you struggled with food and exercise, but I appreciate you fully opening up about this with us. Like you, my disordered eating began with an attempt to “be healthier” and lost a few pounds. As always, I have looked up to you and admired you for your strength and bravery to fight through it. I remember I emailed you in Feb. of 2015 about my OWN struggles with an eating disorder and you were so sweet and thoughtful in your response! I’ve never forgotten that. <3 Thank you for being such a light in my life!! xo
I am so impressed with this post! You are one amazing young woman. So glad you received the help you needed, and more importantly, were willing to accept it.
I’ve read a few of your posts on this before and I’ll say it again, you are so incredibly brave for identifying and sharing all this! I’ve suffered from various forms of eating disorder since I was a child, and I’m still in recovery, so it really helps me to see that fellow bloggers have been in a similar situation and pulled through. Much like yourself, my blog is really helping me to start sharing foods that I should love rather than fear, and it’s helped me discover others in similar situations. Thanks so much for posting this, it’s good for your own recovery, and others’. 🙂
This is so brave if you to share. I admire your strength and positivity even when things are hard. It is important to throw away negative thoughts, as you mentioned, although it isn’t always easy. You are awesome!